No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
