I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
