dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
