very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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