I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
