My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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