Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
