I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
