walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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