I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
