I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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