worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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