R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
