So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
