Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
