I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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