I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
