Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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