I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?