my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito