she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
