Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
