Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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