Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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