I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
