When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
