Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
