sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
