just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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