I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
