The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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