that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
