Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
