you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
