Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
