Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
