He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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