I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
