Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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