i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
