shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
