tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
did i just pee glitter
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
