i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
4 words: hood of his car
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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