I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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