Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
