Me. At least after what I've been through.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
