just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
