i don't like sucking hair
"it" just moved
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
