You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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