Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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