I didn't shave. On purpose
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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