I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
