My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
